FAIR MAIDEN

                

There she stood with a jar, at the end of the bar

Bonny wee Deirdre McFluter

She was sipping her stout, with her gub sticking out

And two candles hung out of her hooter.

        

Says I, "Hughie Vance, this is your chance

For there stands a right little honey."

So over I goes, a picking my nose

With a smile that was friendly and sunny.

               

Says I, "Lovely Miss, will you give me a kiss?

For you are a lovely wee pet."

She smiled with a tooth, she got fixed in Maynooth

The rest all got pulled by a vet.

            

She was lovely and fair, with dry ginger hair

Which she rolled into curls with her finger.

She smelled of damp rags, BO and fags

A perfume inclined now, to linger.

          

I put my hand on her arm, she leaped with alarm

And growled like a dog, "Let me go!"

Her red jowls were aflame, what a beautiful dame

And her bust it was sagging quite low.

    

Then she said with a shout, "If you buy me a stout

You'll get one kiss on the end of my nose..!

So on her honk, one kiss I did plonk

And her nose blushed as red as a rose.

           

I felt Cupid's dart hit me straight in the heart

So I covered her gub with fierce kisses

And then, so I gather, there was some how's your father

And I had to make her my missus.

             

Now, heaven's alive, wains we have five

So I'm trapped now, it's too late to flee

And the dirty big lump, has since grown a hump.

If the wife ever finds out she'll kill me!

21/08/09